THE ENDOSCOPY EXPERIENCE

For almost 3 weeks now I have had what feels like a golf ball stuck in my throat. An ultra-sound, a CT scan and a visit to an ENT specialist who shoves a bendable chop stick thick tube down my nose, WHILE I AM AWAKE to glance at my throat. These have been unable to find anything other than numerous other possibly scary ailments in my head and neck that have nothing to do with my pain.
1. a 4cm cyst in my brain that is apparently "not an issue"
2. slight traces of Spondalysis of my spine in my neck "?"
3. Arthritis in my neck that is "no news"
4. Enlarged Lymph nodes that is "Just a virus"

Finally I have arrived at the Gastro Enterologist, Doctor A. He looks through my files, slaps back my small talk with Smarmy comments, and says "well, you have had some expensive procedures here, racking up quite a bill. Unfortunately I am going to add to that".

Really? this is how you instill confidence in a patient? This is how you convey how much you care about my well-being? Wonderful. I am booked for the Endoscopy, which will immediately cost me $200 dollars. The nurse lets me know they except credit cards for that, which they do not for the $20 co-pay during the initial visit. I had to walk across the street to an ATM for the cash for that.

Doctor A requires I am there at 9am for a 10am procedure. As this involves general anesthetic it makes sense. The day arrives, my darling wife drives me ( I am not allowed to drive home), I leave her in the waiting room and I go through the interview process, 5 or 6 times for every single intern, nurse, janitor and receptionist. I answer the same questions over and over again (YES I HAVE NOT EATEN ANYTHING THIS MORNING!!!! NO I HAVE NO ALLERGIC REACTIONS TO MEDICINE AAAAARGH!!!) .

I am led into a cold, large room filled with curtained booths more or less filled with other patients nervously awaiting either a colonoscopy (the quieter ones) or an Endoscopy (not so pensive). I disrobe and wait under a sheet so thin that the movement of air is unaffected by it's presence.

During this period of slow cooling I hear 3 patients come in, get prepped, have the procedure and be released (all with Doctor B). Doctor A, my doctor, "cannot be found". So, me and 3 others impatiently (no pun) wait. 11.15, that is an hour and fifteen minutes later than my scheduled procedure and another hour after we arrived, and I am wheeled in.

The doctor makes no gesture at me as he stares at a screen, busilly mistyping up the diagnosis of the last unfortunate human form that was polax in this room and the nurses prep me diligently. They even have a touch of pity. I can see it in their faces, it says "Sorry you have Doctor A".

So the moment of awesomeness about the whole thing, the anesthetic, finally gets turned on to my I.V. Why oh why they can't just administer that at 9.15 when I first go in there I have no idea, the whole process would be fantastic. Anyway, slowly and blissfully I drift away as I stare at the huge snake-like scope that is about to be fed down my mouth-hole and into my stomach. My last comment as they turn the lights off in the theater "now it looks like an episode of house!".

Then BING! I wake up, as if 2 seconds have gone by. I am back in the curtained waiting room. Completely unaware that a disgusting and bigoted old man has been staring with disdain and boredom at my innards with an electronic snake. A nurse mysteriously appears 2 seconds after I wake up, and asks me if I want a drink. A martini is out of the question apparently (damn procedures) so I settle for apple juice and a dry, tasteless water biscuit.

I groggily dress and my ever-loving and caring wife comes in from having sat in a dull waiting room for almost 4 hours to sit in the "sub waiting room" (really, that is the sign on the door).

Doctor A saunters in, moves a chair, looks at us and at the other confused and dejected creatures opposite us and slides his chair across the room to splay his burgeoning form in front of them. He leans back and glances at us "You might as well hear this as it is a similar diagnosis". He proceeds to inform the poor old man what is troubling him and they leave, no real answers until a biopsy of "the thing" can be done with only the promise of some type of heavy medication to look forward to.

Doctor A then manages to drag his body over to us, the chair still stuck to him. He settles down as if he has just done a 32 hour operation separating conjoined twins, without success, and says the same thing to us. My patient wife asks a few pertinent questions and Doctor A turns to me with the answers (pet peeve number 1 on her peeve book). Doctor A, after using the phrase "Your job is to sit up and shut up" to me, asks if I have the hand-out on GERD. I do not.

He proceeds to lean even further back in the chair ( I hear it groan) to shout back for Nicole. 4 times he blasts out before exchanging the word "Nicole!" for "anybody?" a few times before Nicole is finally summoned. He looks at us and looks at her and says "why did he not get the hand out? if I have told you once I have told you a thousand times to make sure the patients get the hand outs" Nicole's brilliant response… " I did not see GERD as the diagnosis".

Doctor A manages to splay his body further around the sub waiting room, flaps through the report and sees that indeed, it does not say GERD anywhere on the sheet. So, he counter attacks.. "It says here 'Gastro Esophagitis', which, BY DEFINITION, is GERD" he tuts. Nicole apologizes, Maria and I then both apologize being totally embarrassed to see such a ridiculous and demeaning outburst at a lovely caring young nurse and the moment passes.

Any future involvement with Doctor A also passes and my search for a new Gastro Enterologist begins, probably with Nicole's help once I call to apologize again to her for having been even slightly connected to such a baboon's tea-party.

The preliminary results of this event discovered some corrosive esophagitis syndrome and a thing that might be even more dreadful than what that sounds like, but with a lamer name. Unfortunately a chunk of that other thing needs to be examined by someone else (thank the good lord) to figure out what it really is and how to medicate the thing away from me. This does way on me a tad, especially as it is a constant nagging pain whenever I swallow.

The journey continues.