Squishing Bus Ride Reprieve Ends Ubruptly

So I thought, just for a moment, that I finally nailed how to deal with the murderous full-bus scenario I deal with on the majority of the days that I spend commuting. Using a bus. A coach, if you will. And you will, there are velvety seats.

Firstly, take one half-carafe of warm Sake and follow it with a Lychee Martini. Magically, this entire expenditure can be as little as$14! In New York City?! I found this out as I was too frightened to go into the Port Authority Bus Terminal at 6pm when hordes of people from every direction are walking the New-York-walk (determined, brisk, confident) to get there and go home.

Secondly, Get on a crowded bus and take the last remaining seat next to an ignorant and insanely large human being. A human who is permanently connected to a cell phone by their massive fingers and ignoring the fact that to do so means their entire arm has to force you into the adjacent arm rest. The arm rest being the last bastion of safety before being bull-dozed into the corridor by said arm.

Immediately close your eyes before examining this human anymore than you already have, which may already be too much. AVOID EXAMINATION AT ALL COSTS.

Ensure iPod is charged and playing awesome music Ensure that noise canceling headphones are placed correctly.

Imagine the person that is pressing you off the seat is your favorite celebrity.

I found this worked for, oh... …minutes.

It failed because of my acute sense of touch, smell and feeling.

1. Mila Jovovich is not 310 pounds. So, by definition, 170 pounds of her could not be on the side of her touching me.

2. Mila's lungs are not so enormous that just her breathing causes her to inflate three inches…. SIDEWAYS.

3. Mila could not possibly generate one hundred thousands BTUs of body heat.

4. Mila would never smell of over-washed Old Navy fleeces and Old-Spice.

DAMN IT, I was so close.


Literally.